Forgive me Father for all the horrible things that I do and say or the good that I don't do or say.
Please redeem the time and the life that you have given me. Use it for Your glory, and my joy because I'm really filled with tears at what I still seem to be.
I know that you will finish the work you started in me...
Monday, June 30, 2014
Saturday, June 28, 2014
In My Lack of Artistic Productivity
Reading through Isaiah 5:10 "..for 10 acres of vineyard shall yield one bath..."
"God judged the greedy rich by reducing the productivity of their land to a small fraction of what it would have been normally. One bath was roughly equivalent to 6 gallons" (J Mac)
I definitely feel this is how I am--a greedy rich artist who buys extra supplies they don't need much and doesn't use everything as often as they would like to. I have so much, that I do not know which tool I should use when. because of being indecisive with all the choices, I end up being quite unproductive.
If anything, my art-producing pace is slow, but I pray that God would make my heart clean each day, renew it each morning and that I would find increased joy in making it for Him.
As they say, with more that you have comes more responsibility and the more expected of you.
I hope that I'll some how to be able to make more of a breakthrough in art.
"God judged the greedy rich by reducing the productivity of their land to a small fraction of what it would have been normally. One bath was roughly equivalent to 6 gallons" (J Mac)
I definitely feel this is how I am--a greedy rich artist who buys extra supplies they don't need much and doesn't use everything as often as they would like to. I have so much, that I do not know which tool I should use when. because of being indecisive with all the choices, I end up being quite unproductive.
If anything, my art-producing pace is slow, but I pray that God would make my heart clean each day, renew it each morning and that I would find increased joy in making it for Him.
As they say, with more that you have comes more responsibility and the more expected of you.
I hope that I'll some how to be able to make more of a breakthrough in art.
Friday, June 27, 2014
An Offering
I've been rereading Genesis and as I read about Cain and Abel, I saw myself in Cain. Cain brings an offering of fruit to God, something that he wants to bring instead of what God would like Him to bring--an animal sacrifice. It is not God's preference of Abel over Cain, just God's requirement that Cain also bring an animal sacrifice.
I feel like Cain because I'm always bringing to God what I want to bring--the art He's given to me--like for this 40 day challenge--I'm trying to bring my art to God--by drawing 40 faces instead of sacrificing to God what He wants me to sacrifice.
However, on the flip side, since Christ was a sacrifice for my sins, God can still be glorified in my bringing what I would want to bring--I just pray that my heart also be changed in the attitude of how I bring the art He has given me to Him. I also pray that my improvement in art, if any, would be a praise to Him as wel
I feel like Cain because I'm always bringing to God what I want to bring--the art He's given to me--like for this 40 day challenge--I'm trying to bring my art to God--by drawing 40 faces instead of sacrificing to God what He wants me to sacrifice.
However, on the flip side, since Christ was a sacrifice for my sins, God can still be glorified in my bringing what I would want to bring--I just pray that my heart also be changed in the attitude of how I bring the art He has given me to Him. I also pray that my improvement in art, if any, would be a praise to Him as wel
Thursday, June 26, 2014
Spiritual Attacks
Ever since the 40 Day Impact Challenge has started
I feel like my art skills with drawing people from reference (because I'm drawing 40 faces from my facebook friends list this time around) have been degraded all of a sudden--I used to be able to sketch people from photos out in pen with ease.
Perhaps, I was not as good as I thought I was-- maybe , maybe not. Maybe I just never focused so much on drawing portraits well and that is the cause of my frustration.
But I'm definitely learning something--and it reminds me of Job's circumstance although mine may not be as extreme. For some reason, if I am under spiritual attack by evil spirits and God is allowing them to take the skills He has given me, away---and if I am leaning on Christ, then that is all that matters. Like what Job said, he was afraid that God would allow all that He had given Job to be taken away , but He still trusted in God's Sovereignty, praising Him even through those dreaded circumstances.
God, please help me to continue to trust in you and to flee to You in these times , that if I'm frustrated with having to redraw a face over 5-10 times instead of getting it right the first time, then You would be glorified in my running to You. If and when I finish each face each day, I pray that You would be most glorified even if the likenesses are not captured at all.
Have mercy on me. *cries*
or I just need to work on portraits more , besides, portraits probably are the hardest thing to draw?
I feel like my art skills with drawing people from reference (because I'm drawing 40 faces from my facebook friends list this time around) have been degraded all of a sudden--I used to be able to sketch people from photos out in pen with ease.
Perhaps, I was not as good as I thought I was-- maybe , maybe not. Maybe I just never focused so much on drawing portraits well and that is the cause of my frustration.
But I'm definitely learning something--and it reminds me of Job's circumstance although mine may not be as extreme. For some reason, if I am under spiritual attack by evil spirits and God is allowing them to take the skills He has given me, away---and if I am leaning on Christ, then that is all that matters. Like what Job said, he was afraid that God would allow all that He had given Job to be taken away , but He still trusted in God's Sovereignty, praising Him even through those dreaded circumstances.
God, please help me to continue to trust in you and to flee to You in these times , that if I'm frustrated with having to redraw a face over 5-10 times instead of getting it right the first time, then You would be glorified in my running to You. If and when I finish each face each day, I pray that You would be most glorified even if the likenesses are not captured at all.
Have mercy on me. *cries*
or I just need to work on portraits more , besides, portraits probably are the hardest thing to draw?
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Jesus Appeared in my Dreams
I woke up the night before last night so encouraged because, well, because Jesus had appeared and talked to me in my dreams.
I wasn't excited to see Jesus in my dream at first though, I was scared. I was sitting in a line of people wearing a towel and I felt naked when I saw Him. My sin would be so obvious to Him. I ducked behind the person in front of me hoping He wouldn't see me. Then He came up to me from a different direction and I noticed so He motioned me to come forward and held out his hand. I realized I did not feel naked anymore.
I was afraid of him a little still because as we walked , I hated some thoughts I had. but when He didn't condemn me, I relaxed more.
As we walked, He talked to me. He pointed out something on my left ear and I took it and saw that it was a reddish weathered and used looking stub of a pencil but the point still sharp. He said affectionately "You're always using that pencil" (the metaphorical pencil I carry around with me everywhere to draw) I said "I never realized that! I've never used up a whole pencil before [in real life]."
As we continued to walk we passed a classmate sharing the gospel with someone.
He then said, "This year, I would like you to relax in nature more (these weren't his exact words) but when I woke up I realized that I could be praying to God more because He was right there, all the time. Just to rest in His presence.
we then entered a construction area
we passed by some doctors dressed as construction workers (haha they're doing construction on my heart --was what I thought when I woke up)
and I told Jesus, Hey, my brother is a doctor too, but then I realized it wasn't the same thing, healing the soul.
when we sat down at some tables, He called me by my ex's name. I was confused and asked Him what it meant. From this point forward, everything seemed confusing to me when I woke up. Jesus replied that "when two people really love each other, they are before at the beginning…" but I did not understand the rest of what He was saying because He was disappearing. I tried to walk towards Him but when I reached the other side of the table it was my cousin and his girlfriend, but I didn't recognize them at all until I asked them who they were. My cousin told me he wasn't upfront with me about everything (because I had a crush on him before) and he was okay with me being Christian, but not okay with me going back to Amsterdam, which was a big 'no-no' . I said I was going to go back and turned around and left and said "to myself ,I hope you live" (which struck me as quite bitter later when I woke up). The dream assumed I had gone on missions in Amsterdam already, so basically I told him I was going to go back there for missions again.
So, I googled Amsterdam after I woke up because I had forgotten what Amsterdam was like. It made sense .
I woke up still feeling a love for Jesus I felt like I had never felt before.
I wondered later in the day if that dream was a real experience because sometimes when things like this happen, I wonder if it was really Him. But then I realized, God must've sent it for a reason and besides, it pointed me back towards Himself.
I also wondered why I didn't feel this Jesus' love for me that seemed so obvious to other people when other people had experiences like this. Then I realized that everyone experiences Him differently and even though I may not 'feel' His love for me, it doesn't get rid of the truth that He is still always there for me and always with me.
I wasn't excited to see Jesus in my dream at first though, I was scared. I was sitting in a line of people wearing a towel and I felt naked when I saw Him. My sin would be so obvious to Him. I ducked behind the person in front of me hoping He wouldn't see me. Then He came up to me from a different direction and I noticed so He motioned me to come forward and held out his hand. I realized I did not feel naked anymore.
I was afraid of him a little still because as we walked , I hated some thoughts I had. but when He didn't condemn me, I relaxed more.
As we walked, He talked to me. He pointed out something on my left ear and I took it and saw that it was a reddish weathered and used looking stub of a pencil but the point still sharp. He said affectionately "You're always using that pencil" (the metaphorical pencil I carry around with me everywhere to draw) I said "I never realized that! I've never used up a whole pencil before [in real life]."
As we continued to walk we passed a classmate sharing the gospel with someone.
He then said, "This year, I would like you to relax in nature more (these weren't his exact words) but when I woke up I realized that I could be praying to God more because He was right there, all the time. Just to rest in His presence.
we then entered a construction area
we passed by some doctors dressed as construction workers (haha they're doing construction on my heart --was what I thought when I woke up)
and I told Jesus, Hey, my brother is a doctor too, but then I realized it wasn't the same thing, healing the soul.
when we sat down at some tables, He called me by my ex's name. I was confused and asked Him what it meant. From this point forward, everything seemed confusing to me when I woke up. Jesus replied that "when two people really love each other, they are before at the beginning…" but I did not understand the rest of what He was saying because He was disappearing. I tried to walk towards Him but when I reached the other side of the table it was my cousin and his girlfriend, but I didn't recognize them at all until I asked them who they were. My cousin told me he wasn't upfront with me about everything (because I had a crush on him before) and he was okay with me being Christian, but not okay with me going back to Amsterdam, which was a big 'no-no' . I said I was going to go back and turned around and left and said "to myself ,I hope you live" (which struck me as quite bitter later when I woke up). The dream assumed I had gone on missions in Amsterdam already, so basically I told him I was going to go back there for missions again.
So, I googled Amsterdam after I woke up because I had forgotten what Amsterdam was like. It made sense .
I woke up still feeling a love for Jesus I felt like I had never felt before.
I wondered later in the day if that dream was a real experience because sometimes when things like this happen, I wonder if it was really Him. But then I realized, God must've sent it for a reason and besides, it pointed me back towards Himself.
I also wondered why I didn't feel this Jesus' love for me that seemed so obvious to other people when other people had experiences like this. Then I realized that everyone experiences Him differently and even though I may not 'feel' His love for me, it doesn't get rid of the truth that He is still always there for me and always with me.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Background Wallpaper
Carpenter---You worked with wood,
the first Adam sinned by a tree and so sin came into the world.
the second Adam, You, Christ died on a dead tree so that the world could be saved through you.
Carpenter--You worked with wood
You took the once living tree and turned the dead tree into something different and new entirely--
a cabinet perhaps, to place kitchenware in.
a chair perhaps, to allow a tired man to rest hisself.
a pair of chopsticks, perhaps XD. to allow one to nourish oneself.
Carpenter--You work with wood,
take this dead old tree
and make it new --use it for thy kingdom
your glory--Engrave your Name on it, and call it Yours.
Because you hand shaped it and it will always be Yours.
the first Adam sinned by a tree and so sin came into the world.
the second Adam, You, Christ died on a dead tree so that the world could be saved through you.
Carpenter--You worked with wood
You took the once living tree and turned the dead tree into something different and new entirely--
a cabinet perhaps, to place kitchenware in.
a chair perhaps, to allow a tired man to rest hisself.
a pair of chopsticks, perhaps XD. to allow one to nourish oneself.
Carpenter--You work with wood,
take this dead old tree
and make it new --use it for thy kingdom
your glory--Engrave your Name on it, and call it Yours.
Because you hand shaped it and it will always be Yours.
The Changing Heart
Werewolf werewolf, change into a beast that howls in the moonlight
and chases after things, satisfying your hunger, sinking sharp fangs into the flesh of rabbits, watching the feathers fly as you maul a pheasant.
You love the thrill of the kill--
and yet you wouldn't say that you love it when your friends somehow receive bad news, that somehow they're not doing as well as you are, that yes, you are better off than them and that makes you feel satisfied.
you don't exactly lord it over them, but you are, you are in your own quiet way. It's quite sneaky.
Oh accursed I am, that my nature is the way it is.
Help my unbelief. the rebel heart, the heart that thrills in satisfying it's own desires and not Yours…
Change my heart oh God
transform the heart, transform the soul, make me new.
and chases after things, satisfying your hunger, sinking sharp fangs into the flesh of rabbits, watching the feathers fly as you maul a pheasant.
You love the thrill of the kill--
and yet you wouldn't say that you love it when your friends somehow receive bad news, that somehow they're not doing as well as you are, that yes, you are better off than them and that makes you feel satisfied.
you don't exactly lord it over them, but you are, you are in your own quiet way. It's quite sneaky.
Oh accursed I am, that my nature is the way it is.
Help my unbelief. the rebel heart, the heart that thrills in satisfying it's own desires and not Yours…
Change my heart oh God
transform the heart, transform the soul, make me new.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
When we Feel Small
Sometimes when I dream dreams and wake up in the morning, I remember them. Often times they're not as pleasant as I would like them to be. I am often times frustrated in some way.
Sometimes I will dream that I am flying above the world and there are many places to touch down and land. But I realize that when I land, I still am supposedly much bigger than I think I am supposed to be. I can not properly be inside the environment because I am too big for it and all I see are tiny trees and rocks, myself stepping all over the buildings (if there are any).
Now you think this would be fun--make believe as a giant monster rampaging through the city.
But it wasn't for me and it wouldn't have nearly been as fun as if I were properly sized---small , tiny, minute within the world that was created for me to live in. I would then be able to enjoy the vast and epic landscapes---appreciate the towering mountains, and feel the ocean breeze as my eyes gaze across the then calm lapping waves but imagining the possibility of an engulfing nature of a stormy sea.
Often times in video game concept art---we love to give the similar idea of a vast and epic landscape. We like to feel small.
And that's what I'm getting at.
When we are small, then we can marvel at Creation and the Creator behind it all.
The problem is when we try to control everything in our lives and make ourselves the priority in the lives that were first given to us to be stewards of.
But turning towards God instead of being god frees us to be his humble servants----and when He is glorified, we are most satisfied in Him.
Sometimes I will dream that I am flying above the world and there are many places to touch down and land. But I realize that when I land, I still am supposedly much bigger than I think I am supposed to be. I can not properly be inside the environment because I am too big for it and all I see are tiny trees and rocks, myself stepping all over the buildings (if there are any).
Now you think this would be fun--make believe as a giant monster rampaging through the city.
But it wasn't for me and it wouldn't have nearly been as fun as if I were properly sized---small , tiny, minute within the world that was created for me to live in. I would then be able to enjoy the vast and epic landscapes---appreciate the towering mountains, and feel the ocean breeze as my eyes gaze across the then calm lapping waves but imagining the possibility of an engulfing nature of a stormy sea.
Often times in video game concept art---we love to give the similar idea of a vast and epic landscape. We like to feel small.
And that's what I'm getting at.
When we are small, then we can marvel at Creation and the Creator behind it all.
The problem is when we try to control everything in our lives and make ourselves the priority in the lives that were first given to us to be stewards of.
But turning towards God instead of being god frees us to be his humble servants----and when He is glorified, we are most satisfied in Him.
Monday, January 20, 2014
Conflicting Heart
they didn't believe that He created everything for the best--it just seemed too good.
and they wanted to shoot down the stars because
then there would be darkness in the world and when there was darkness
there would be fear ,and that's what he could use to persuade the people of the world.
they wanted to mar everything that was made by the One God because if they could take away anything from Him, that would hurt Him and hurting Him was what mattered to him the most.
the stone cold heart of the devil:
he believed he could do better than Him.
So turn them away from Him, that's what will hurt Him the most.
Make it so that they do not trust him from the start. Make it so that they are blind to His goodness, make it so that His name does not seem good to them. Instead, make my name great.
Mar His name, so that others will think wrongly of Him. They will accuse Him of doing wrong towards them, not having their greatest interest at heart, not loving them truly because-- if such bad things should visit on us, then of course He does not really love us?
Isn't He the God of love?
the heart of a servant of God:
Though you should be the one to be pitied the most because of your despise of God
because you are the greatest of all prisoners---imprisoned by your desire to do to a perfect and Holy and Sovereign God something that can not be done.
You are trying your best to persuade as many away from Him as you can, and make it the worst possible it can be for Him before the Cross even to the point of having one of his friends betray him with a kiss, but you are only making it worse for yourself.
I pity you because your heart will never change.
He created and loved you , but you rebelled.
Search Me , O God and reveal in me any wayward spirit and bring it back to You!
and they wanted to shoot down the stars because
then there would be darkness in the world and when there was darkness
there would be fear ,and that's what he could use to persuade the people of the world.
they wanted to mar everything that was made by the One God because if they could take away anything from Him, that would hurt Him and hurting Him was what mattered to him the most.
the stone cold heart of the devil:
he believed he could do better than Him.
So turn them away from Him, that's what will hurt Him the most.
Make it so that they do not trust him from the start. Make it so that they are blind to His goodness, make it so that His name does not seem good to them. Instead, make my name great.
Mar His name, so that others will think wrongly of Him. They will accuse Him of doing wrong towards them, not having their greatest interest at heart, not loving them truly because-- if such bad things should visit on us, then of course He does not really love us?
Isn't He the God of love?
the heart of a servant of God:
Though you should be the one to be pitied the most because of your despise of God
because you are the greatest of all prisoners---imprisoned by your desire to do to a perfect and Holy and Sovereign God something that can not be done.
You are trying your best to persuade as many away from Him as you can, and make it the worst possible it can be for Him before the Cross even to the point of having one of his friends betray him with a kiss, but you are only making it worse for yourself.
I pity you because your heart will never change.
He created and loved you , but you rebelled.
Search Me , O God and reveal in me any wayward spirit and bring it back to You!
Sovereign Over My Life V2 (I Can't Accept That)
and then I wanted to be God of my own life--I had it all planned--I wanted to do these things, I wanted to be this sort of person, have that sort of life--the world said, if you wanted it, you had to try and get it--And it was all just a huge weight on my shoulders to carry--a sack of amenities that I know at the deepest part of my heart that I really did not need.
But if I couldn't do a very good job, who would and could promise better?
and really, I mean promise.
I am not perfect and yet I thought I could do a decent albeit with some mistakes, okay, a massive shipwreck of the life I was living. But until I realized I could not do it on my own , let alone feign a sort of smile that everything was actually not that bad, things would not look up.
My burdens were staring me down.
What I needed was to stop focusing on what I had and wanted to do, and start focusing on Christ and what He did for me. Who He was and is and will always be and who I should really emulate and come to know as Lord and Savior.
I'm probably beating the dead horse by now, but God died for me! What do I say to that? Sorry sir, but I can't accept that? You really didn't have to. It's too much. in polite speech...
OR-- I really don't need it, I don't want it, I have my own life, who cares what happened to you, I don't think you're God, you were just some insane person that devoted your whole life tempted as I were tempted, tried as I were tried and found guiltless, a spotless lamb. and even if you were insane you devoted your whole life to this and died a needless death for who? really? You're heart was for me? and that's why you did it?
I ….I , I really can't…accept that. I'm sorry, but I just can't.
I have my own beliefs.
and I know you died supposedly died for my sake, but-- please respect my beliefs.
But if I couldn't do a very good job, who would and could promise better?
and really, I mean promise.
I am not perfect and yet I thought I could do a decent albeit with some mistakes, okay, a massive shipwreck of the life I was living. But until I realized I could not do it on my own , let alone feign a sort of smile that everything was actually not that bad, things would not look up.
My burdens were staring me down.
What I needed was to stop focusing on what I had and wanted to do, and start focusing on Christ and what He did for me. Who He was and is and will always be and who I should really emulate and come to know as Lord and Savior.
I'm probably beating the dead horse by now, but God died for me! What do I say to that? Sorry sir, but I can't accept that? You really didn't have to. It's too much. in polite speech...
OR-- I really don't need it, I don't want it, I have my own life, who cares what happened to you, I don't think you're God, you were just some insane person that devoted your whole life tempted as I were tempted, tried as I were tried and found guiltless, a spotless lamb. and even if you were insane you devoted your whole life to this and died a needless death for who? really? You're heart was for me? and that's why you did it?
I ….I , I really can't…accept that. I'm sorry, but I just can't.
I have my own beliefs.
and I know you died supposedly died for my sake, but-- please respect my beliefs.
Who Is Sovereign Over My Life
--and then I wanted to be God of my own life; actually, it wasn't a then, it was something that had permeated my entire existence up until a while ago.
and yet I was failing at it---I wanted to be in control because that's what seemed like the responsible thing to do ,as well as getting what I wanted?
Oh but that sounds awfully selfish, now that I write it out, but even just saying it is.
Be in control, be wise, learn new things, enjoy life. Be a balanced person. They all sound like good things.
--but what use are those ideals if it all comes to naught?
If in this world, you are living for yourself---and being moral and living to help others out because it is the right thing to do and your heart goes out to them, and we're solving their immediate problems.
But what of their souls, if Christianity is true, then we are doing the most disservice in not telling them about a God who is mighty to save them from themselves.
Now I probably am going off on a tangent, but I just want to say what I'm struggling with.
Sooo, if He's all powerful , all knowing, with all wisdom and love.
He's perfect, He knows what's best for us.
Why not let Him take control of our lives, let Him take the weary burden of our souls off our weary shoulders ,because His yoke is light. and He can use us powerfully for His kingdom if we would only let Him.
"And so that no one may boast that he was the one who did great, but that it was a gift from God." --because when we are at our humblest before God, we enjoy Him the most.
And why would we want to enjoy Him?
because having joy in Him is the best feeling you will ever get!
for those who don't have Christ , this world is the closest to Heaven they will get and
for those who do, the world is the closest to Hell they will get.
I guess I went on a tangent again !
But..
He is our Creator and He gave us the life that we live. Ands since He's perfect...
Isn't it better to want what He wants for us, because His desires for us are perfect?
so I pray that I live a life that brings the most glory to Him, whether it's enjoying time with friends, or doodling down some ideas, one that shares His love is the one I want to live.
and yet I was failing at it---I wanted to be in control because that's what seemed like the responsible thing to do ,as well as getting what I wanted?
Oh but that sounds awfully selfish, now that I write it out, but even just saying it is.
Be in control, be wise, learn new things, enjoy life. Be a balanced person. They all sound like good things.
--but what use are those ideals if it all comes to naught?
If in this world, you are living for yourself---and being moral and living to help others out because it is the right thing to do and your heart goes out to them, and we're solving their immediate problems.
But what of their souls, if Christianity is true, then we are doing the most disservice in not telling them about a God who is mighty to save them from themselves.
Now I probably am going off on a tangent, but I just want to say what I'm struggling with.
Sooo, if He's all powerful , all knowing, with all wisdom and love.
He's perfect, He knows what's best for us.
Why not let Him take control of our lives, let Him take the weary burden of our souls off our weary shoulders ,because His yoke is light. and He can use us powerfully for His kingdom if we would only let Him.
"And so that no one may boast that he was the one who did great, but that it was a gift from God." --because when we are at our humblest before God, we enjoy Him the most.
And why would we want to enjoy Him?
because having joy in Him is the best feeling you will ever get!
for those who don't have Christ , this world is the closest to Heaven they will get and
for those who do, the world is the closest to Hell they will get.
I guess I went on a tangent again !
But..
He is our Creator and He gave us the life that we live. Ands since He's perfect...
Isn't it better to want what He wants for us, because His desires for us are perfect?
so I pray that I live a life that brings the most glory to Him, whether it's enjoying time with friends, or doodling down some ideas, one that shares His love is the one I want to live.
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